Behaving more assertively

All of us wish from time-to-time that we could communicate our point of view, our needs, or our desires more directly or assertively. Here are some basic tips to behave more assertively.

Identify your personal rights, wants, and needs.

Identify how you FEEL about a particular situation, (e.g., "I feel angry", "I feel embarrassed", "I like you".) In identifying your feelings about the situation, use sensory descriptions that help to capture how you feel, (e.g., "I feel stepped on", "I feel like I'm on cloud nine".) Report what kind of action the feeling urges you to do, (e.g., "I feel like hugging you".)

In describing your feelings, use "I" messages; own your message. Use these "I" statements to exprees your feelings instead of evaluating or blaming others, (e.g., "I feel hurt" vs. "You hurt me" or "You are inconsiderate".)

Connect your feeling statement with some specific behavior in the other person, (e.g., "I felt hurt when you left without saying goodbye" vs. "I felt hurt because you were inconsiderate".)

Be direct -- deliver your message to the person for whom it was intended. Express your request in one or two easy to understand sentences.

Try not to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling, about what their motives are, or about how they may react. Check things out with them first.

Avoid sarcasm, character assassination, or absolutes (e.g., using words like, "you never...", "you always...", "you constantly...", etc.).

Avoid labeling.

Avoid statements beginning with "Why?", "You...". This may put the other person on the defensive.

Ask for feedback: "Am I being clear?", "How do you see this situation?". Asking for feedback helps correct any misperceptions you may have, as well as helping others realize that you are open to communication, and are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire, rather than a demand.